Se full versjon : Vitsestafett?
one day in the country
A pretty woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when
the car breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She
goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer
answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down!
Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you
messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind
the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she
says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a
little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her.
So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like
for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have
to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of
them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking
back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that woman that came by here about forty years
ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these damn things off."
Fritt etter hukommelsen.
2 men were talking.
Man1: Man, I really made a fool out of myself yesterday.
I went to the tickets office and the lady behind the counter had enormous breasts.
Instead of "2 tickets to Pittsburgh" I said "2 pickets to Titsburgh".
Man2: Oh, man! But that's nothing compared to what I said yesterday.
I had dinner with my wife, and I was supposed to ask her to pass the salt.
Instead I said: "You ruined my life, you fucking bitch".
A New Priest
The new priest was nervous about hearing confessions, so he asked an
older priest to sit in on his sessions. The priest heard a couple of
confessions, then asked him to step out of the confessional for a few
suggestions.
The old priest said to the new priest, "Cross you arms over your chest,
and now rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tried this.
The old priest said, "Try saying things like, 'I see', 'yes', 'go on',
and 'I understand. How did you feel about that?' "
The new priest said those things.
The old priest said, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than
slapping your knee and saying, 'No shit? What happened next?' "
2 cannibals were eating a clown.
Cannibal1: Does this taste funny to you?
An old Arab man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to
dig his land to plant his potato field, but it was
very hard work.
His only son, Abdul who used to help him, was being
held by the FBI for aiding and abetting terrorists.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described
his predicament.
Dear Abdul,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks
like I won't able able to plant my potato garden
this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles
would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Your Dad, Mohamed.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden,
that's where I! buried the biological weapons.
Love, Abdul..
At 4a.m. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local
police showed up and dug up the entire area without
finding any weapons. They apologized to the old man
and left. That same day the old man received
another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's
the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Abdul.
En kvinne har en elsker i dagtimene mens hennes mann er på arbeid. En dag kommer hennes 9-årige sønn uventet tidlig hjem, så hun tar sønnen og skubber ham inn i skapet. I det samme kommer også hennes mann hjem, så hun skubber elskeren inni samme skap.
Der står de, så gutten bryter stillheten og hvisker: "Mørkt her inne..."
Mannen hvisker: "Ja, det er det."
Gutten: "Jeg har en fotball."
Mannen: "Det var da fint."
Gutten: "Vil du kjøpe den?"
Mannen: "Nei, takk."
Gutten: "Pappa står utenfor..."
Mannen: "OK, hvor mye?"
Gutten: "500 kr."
2 uker etter skjer det samme. Igjen står elskeren og gutten i skapet.
Gutten starter igjen og hvisker: "Mørkt her inne..."
Mannen hviskende: "Ja, det er det.."
Gutten: "Jeg har et par målmanns-hansker."
Mannen husker siste gang og spør: "Hvor mye?"
Gutten: "1.000 kr."
Mannen irritert: "OK."
Et par dager senere kaller faren på gutten: "Hent fotballen sønn,la oss gå ut og sparke litt på mål!" Gutten må skyldbetynget innrømme at han dessverre har solgt både fotball og hansker.
Faren er sjokkert og spør: "Hvor mye solgte du det for?"
Gutten: "1500 kr..."
Faren: "1500 kr!?? Det er jo å snyte dine venner ved å kreve så mye! Jeg får ta deg med i kirken så du kan bekjenne dine synder!"
Faren sleper ham med i kirken,og skubber ham inn i skrifteboksen og lukker døren.
Etter ett minutts total stillhet hoster presten lett.
Gutten er overveldet av dårlig samvittighet og vet ikke riktig hvordan han skal starte, men så sier han hviskende: "Mørkt her inne..."
Presten:
"NÅ BEGYNNER DU IKKE MED DET DER IGJEN!!"
Det er bare så bra, alle tre. Takk!
Ny:
Funeral
A newly appointed young clergy person was contacted by a local funeral
director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery in Iowa.
There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had
no family or friends left in
the state.
The young preacher started early to cemetery, but soon became lost. After
making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The
hearse was nowhere in sight and cemetery workers were relaxing under a
near-by tree, eating their lunch.
The preacher went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was
already in place. He took out his book and read the service.
As he returned to his car, one of the workers came over to him to say,
"That was a fine reading and prayer, preacher. But my buddies and I
figured we'd better let you know, the fresh graves are over the next
hill. What you just laid to rest there was our new septic tank."
Det unge paret hadde vært gift i to uker. Selv om ektemannen var dypt forelsket i sin nye kone, så vokste savnet etter puben og gutta.
- Elskede, jeg stikker ut en tur, sa han en kveld. Tilbake om etpar timer... - Næmen elskede, hvor har du tenkt deg hen da, gullklumpen min? sier kona. - Ned på puben, lille søtpoteten min, jeg fikk lyst på en øl. Hun tar et utfordrende hoftegrep og betrakter ham. - Vil du ha en øl, snusketusken min? Hvorpå hun åpner kjøleskapet som hun har fylt opp med 25 sorter øl fra 12 ulike land. - Her kan du kose deg og ølle-bølle så myyye du bare vil!
Ektemannen blir forlegen og stotrer: - Så omtenksomt av deg, nussetussen min, men du vet... på puben har de skikkelig kalde glass, med rim utenpå... Han har knapt fullført setningen før hun åpner fryseboksen og fisker frem to glass, så iskalde at hun knapt klarer å holde dem.
- Næmen, er det kalde glass du vil ha, lille duttebassen min? Selvsagt skal du få kaldt glass! Mannen vrir seg...
- Joooo, men du skjønner det, pusekatten min, at nede på puben har de noen skikkelig gode snacks... det hører liksom til...
- Så det er snacks du vil ha, koseklumpen min? Kom å se hva konemor har i ovnen: Grillede kyllingvinger, pizza, sprøstekt bacon...
- Sånn en snill liten konemor jeg har, mumler mannen. - Men du vet, gullet mitt, at det blir liksom ikke helt det samme som puben... jeg mener, all den deilige grisepraten og banningen med gutta...
- Næmmen, er det griseprat og banning lille pusemusen min har lyst til å høre? Okay, hør her:
Se til helvete og drikk det bedritne ølet fra det jævla forpulte isglasset og trøkk i deg den helvetes snacksen, for du går faen ta meg ingen steder, ditt helvetes jævla rasshøl!!
slenger meg på..her er en..
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "you may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carol's."
To fyllebøtter satt i en bar da den ene begynte å fornærme den andre.
- Jeg har ligget med moren din! ropte han. Det ble helt stille i baren, og alle ventet på hva den andre ville gjøre. Førstemann satte i gang med å rope igjen:
- Jeg har ligget med moren din, sier jeg! Den andre kikket opp og sa: - Gå hjem nå, far, du er full!
THE FISH HOOK
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department
store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get
anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked
the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and
see you when we close up.
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock
came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did
you make today?".
"One" said the young salesman.
"Only one" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a
day . How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars " said
the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well" said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish
hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold
him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him
where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would
probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and
sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said
his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to
the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment "You sold all
that to a guy who came in for a fish hook.
"No" answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for
his wife and I said to him, "You're weekend's fucked, you may as well
go fishing."
Sitat hentet fra norske skademeldinger. Setningene er direkte siterte:
Jeg kom kjørende mot nevnte kryss, senket farten, så meg godt om, kjørte
så ut i krysset og traff hr. Pettersen. Dette er for meg en helt vanlig
prosedyre.
For et valg! Skulle jeg treffe bil B eller bil C? Jeg traff begge!
Jeg skulle ut på E18, men på grunn av Bil B´s plassering hadde jeg
redusert sikt. Da jeg så en luke, kjørte jeg litt frem. Der fikk jeg
bedre oversikt, og da så jeg at det ikke var noen luke likevel...
Jeg ga gass for å komme meg unna, men han klarte å treffe meg likevel.
Jeg tenkte vi kunne praktisere glidelåsprinsippet. Det tenkte ikke han.
Bil A stoppet foran bommen som følge av feil filvalg. Om bil B klarte å
stoppe i tide, er usikkert, men bil C, D og E traff bil B fortløpende.
Jeg kom som bil F.
I hele februar og spesielt på ulykkesdagen var det kommet mye nedfalssnø
og føret var ekstremt glatt. Bilen min bare skled fremover -jeg hadde
ikke en sjanse.
Det snødde nysnø og var veldig glatt.
Kom kjørende på fire-fem centimeter tykt slapseføre
(grønnsåpelignende)...
Det hadde fryst på om natten, så veien var helt isolert. Bilen min skled
naermest på eget initiativ inn i bil B.
Null sikt, snødde veldig. Det kom et vindkast (tror jeg) og jeg mistet
all kontakt med bilen.
Bil B skulle svinge til høyre, men lot vaere å bruke blinklys da det var
såpeglatt.
Plutselig grep brøytekanten tak i forhjulet mitt og dro bilen rundt så
den traff en stolpe.
Dagen før hadde det kommet et snøfall på 10-15 cm, så egentlig hadde jeg
tenkt å la bilen stå den dagen, men hensikten med turen var jo å kjøre
til byen og kjøpe frimerker og sende to brev jeg hadde skrevet tidligere
på kvelden.
Elgen snudde dessverre ved autovernet i midtrabatten. Hadde den fortsatt
over veien hadde uhellet vaert unngått, så det er ingen tvil om hvem sin
skyld det var.
Hva som videre skjedde er vanskelig å si, da elgen lå over frontruta og
sperret hele utsikten.
De reinsdyra som var i veien skal ikke vaere der, for der er det ikke
noe reinbeiteland. Så er det noen som har skyld her, så må det vaere
samene, som eier dyra.
Hunden var sort og lite synlig i mørket. Etter sammenstøtet oppførte den
seg litt merkelig, men hundens eier opplyste senere at den aldri hadde
vaert helt god.
Det falt naturlig for begge kjøretøyene å kjøre slik det ble gjort, men
i ettertid kan en jo lure på hvor lurt det var.
Jeg mener kollisjonen kunne vaert unngått hvis ikke to biler hadde prøvd
å kjøre inn i den smale undergangen samtidig.
Det var akkurat ikke plass til to biler i bredden. Oppdaget vi.
Lastebilen holdt altfor stor fart tatt i betraktning at den manglet
bremser.
Ulykken kunne vaert unngått hvis begge hadde klart å stoppe.
Jeg har også en teori om at bile som kjørte inn i meg bakfra, hadde
større fart enn meg.
Han hadde ikke tid til å fylle ut skademeldingen da han "var på vei for
å hente Gunnar".
Det hele var min skyld, men fører B sa at det var OK og at jeg bare
skulle glemme skadene på hans bil. Det skulle han få fikset selv, sa
han. Det viktigste for ham var at kona aldri fikk vite at han hadde
vaert akkurat der akkuart da.
Den eneste synlige skaden er en ulyd på venstre side når vi svinger til
høyre.
Jeg kan ikke skjønne at en hjulkapsel er noe å bråke om.
Vi kolliderte bare litt.
Ikke mye å lage bråk om synes jeg - skadene var helt meningsløse.
Jeg tilbakeviser Bs påstand vedrørende trafikkuhellet i rundkjøringen.
Han nevner noe om en høy kum (15-20cm) i grøfta. Hva hadde han i grøfta
å gjøre?
Dessuten sier han at han måtte bremse kraftig, bare det tilsier jo at
han hadde stor fart. Og dessuten kjørte han jo inn i meg en gang til
lenger fremme. Så den!
Jeg rakk dessverre ikke å notere den andre bilens personalia.
Min hustru og jeg fikk inntrykk av at motparten hadde det svaert
travelt. Dette kan vaere forklaringen på at hun kom i så stor fart.
Først da vi skrev skademelding så jeg at bil A var registrert på en
trafikkskole. Bil A var ikke merket med noe "skole"-skilt. Er ikke
trafikkskoler momspliktige?
Det virker som om føreren av bil B ikke satte foten på bremsen i det
hele tatt.
I den situasjonen han befant seg i, dvs. på full fart mot meg, virker
det noe forundelig.
Min passasjer er for øvrig medlem av Norges Fotballforbunds lovkomité...
Årsaken til kollisjonen var to unge damer som sto på fortauet og ventet
på å krysse Rådhusgata.
Jeg er ikke ute etter å forskyve skyld eller fraskrive meg ansvar, men
kan bare konstatere fakta, og det ser svaert dårlig ut for min del.
Jeg vil gjerne gjøre oppmerksom på at vanligvis kjører jeg alltid veldig
forsiktig i den svingen.
Hans skyld - Han holdt altfor liten avstand til bilen bak.
Jeg vil si at jeg har 50% skyld og motparten 75%.
Fikk "kink" i nakken, lege vil bli hjemsøkt.
Jeg vil fortelle at alt som tidligere er skrevet på dette skadeskjemaet,
er skrevet av fører A. Jeg er fører B. Fører B er helt omtåket etter
sammenstøtet.
Det går ikke an å påstå at jeg holdt for stor fart. Bilen ble dyttet av
min 72 år gamle søster.
Jeg kjørte aldeles ikke for fort. Jeg hadde jo to koldtbord bak i bilen!
Jeg gjør oppmerksom på at verken jeg (A) eller B mener det var slik det
skjedde, men et meget innpåslitent vitne (hr. Holm) overtok fullstendig
styringen da vi skulle skrive skademeldingen.
I forvirringen som fulgte etter sammenstøtet, ble skademeldingsskjemaet
delvis feil og ufullstendig utfylt. Det skyldes at vi ikke hadde noe
skademeldingsskjema.
Beklager håndskriften, men det at jeg skriver som en gris betyr ikke at
jeg kjører som en.
Snøvær + natt = dårlig sikt
Jeg fullførte svingen etter at veien hadde rettet seg ut.
Jeg prøvde så godt jeg kunne å avvikle en kollisjon.
Jeg skjønte at ulykken kunne unngås og svingte til høyre for å forhindre
dette.
One misty Scottish morning a man was drivingthrough the hills anddales to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander stepped into the middle of the road. The man stands at least six feet four and has the appearance of a
walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing
temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.
At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful-slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair....... heart stopping.
The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red monster opens the car door and drags him fromhis seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.
"Right, yer Jimmy," he shouts, "Ah want yer to masturbate!"
"But, but......" stammers the driver.
"Du it now...or I'll bluddy kill yer"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his duds and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn't take him long.
"Right," snarls the highlander, "Du it again!"
"But....." says the driver.
"Now!"
So the driver does it again.
"Right, laddie, do it again!" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.
"Do it again!" demands the highlander.
"I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me," whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside. "All right, laddie," he says, "NOW yer can give ma daughter a lift to Inverness."
:mrgreen:
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the
most out of his computer. This had been going on for days and God was tired
of hearing all of the bickering. God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a
test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So
down they sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused away. They did
spreadsheets, They wrote reports, They sent faxes, They sent out e-mail, They
sent out email with attachments, They downloaded, They did some genealogy
reports, They made cards, They did every known job.
But just a few minutes before the two hours were up lightening flashed across
the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. And of course the
electricity went off. Satan was upset. He fumed and fussed and he ranted and
raved. All to no avail. The electricity stayed off. But after a bit the rains
stopped and the electricity came back on.
Satan screamed, "I lost it all when the power went off. What am I going to
do? What happened to Jesus' work?" Jesus just sat and smiled. Again Satan
asked about the work that Jesus had done. As Jesus turned his computer back
on
the screen glowed and when he pushed "print," it was all there.
"How did he do it?" Satan asked.
God smiled and said, "Jesus Saves."
I disse juletider:
FROM: Ms.Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised
if our General Manager shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees
who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,"AA
Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to
handle this? Somebody?
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and intimacy
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate
how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees
beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of
the party, or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans.
Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters
Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women
will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a
tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of
sage by our "earth-based Goddess worshipping" employees, but we'll try to
accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.
Okay???
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our principal dress
up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over
the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we
lighten up?
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can
sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly
put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic
tomatoes...but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream
when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream
right now!
FROM: Karen Jones, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE:Ms. Pat Smith and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Smith a speedy recovery from
her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at
the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel
our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full
pay.
Happy Holidays
MOOSE TURD
" I've held a lot of jobs in my life, but my favorite was as a
lumberjack. Yes a lumberjack, striding through the northwoodsout in
the fresh airchopping down trees and yelling timber. Spitting and
drinking beer on the weekends. I loved it, the only problem was that
the company we worked for was too cheap to hire a cook. So, someone had to
be a cook until someone else complained, then the complainer had to be
cooktill someone else complained, and on and on. So there was no incentive
to be a good cook, and it was always bad.
Well, I'm a pretty good cook, and finally I just had to complain. So,
of course, I had to be the cook. Well about two weeks later, I was
getting really sick of cooking and cooking worse and worse, hoping
someone would complain, so they would have to take over.
Finally, one day I was out in the meadow picking berries for a pie when I
came across a bighotfresh steaming pile of MOOSE TURD! I smiledThis'll do
it. So I scooped up that meadow muffin and carried it back to the kitchen,
chortling all the way. I rolled out a big pie crust, flopped that stuff
in there and put on a top crust. Carved a
fancy design in the top, and baked it up. Beautiful, golden brown, with
the brown bubbling through all the cuts on top. Set it on the
windowsill to cool.
Well, I served up a dinner that couldn't be beat. Figured if it was my
last one to cook, it might as well be a good oneright up to the moose
turd pie. SOMEONE WOULD JUST HAVE TO COMPLAIN! So I had a great beef
stew, biscuits and fresh veggieseveryone was happy, and I just smiled.
Then I brought it out. Set it down in front of the biggest, nastiest,
ugliest lumberjack of them all. 'Carved him out a big hunk and set it
down in front of him and stood back to watch the complaints fly. My
cooking days were over.
The big guy took a big bite, chewed it up, eyes bugged out, and he said
YAAACK!
SPIT SPIT SPIT! THAT'S MOOSE TURD PIE!
(Pause, sly grin, finger in the air) IT'S GOOD THOUGH!
Lovely child, parents very happy, only one problem, born with a
silver screw in the belly button. A little embarrassing while
swimming, not life-threatening, doctors stumped parents shrug and
accept it. Kid hates it, makes him feel like a freak. (this can go on
for awhile.) Grows up, just wants to be normal! Goes to specialist
after specialist, medical science baffled. Finally, on a tip, goes to
a remote area of a picturesque country and consults with colorful
native healer figure. He is given a set of directions: do this and
that and the other thing, and then, on the night of the first full
moon after the vernal equinox, sleep naked and uncovered, window
open, above the sheets, in a manner such that the moonlight can fall
directly upon the exposed navel. Fellow does all these things, and
despite his excitement manages to fall asleep.
And, just at midnight, the light of the full moon fell upon his naked
belly. And a tiny speck formed on the surface of the moon, and as it
moved down the moonbeam, if the young man had been awake, he would
have seen that speck resolve itself into the form of a small gnomish
man, carrying a little box, sliding down the beam in the manner of a
surfer. And he slid right through the open window, landed on the
floor, and gazed intently at the figure lying there asleep. Then he
opened up his little box, and took out a little silver screwdriver,
and unscrewed the little silver screw, put it in his pocket. Put the
screwdriver back into the box, and slid back up the moonbeam.
The next morning the young man woke up. Hardly daring to breathe, he
felt.... down... into.. his navel---- "It's gone!" he said. "Oh my
god! Ha ha! I'm a normal human being!" And he jumped out of bed to
meet the day.... and his ass fell off.
Hater å lese lange engelske vitser!
Men de er sikkert morsomme! :kul:
Hater å lese lange engelske vitser!
Men de er sikkert morsomme! :kul:
Om du bare skal lese en, les den med et grønt smil p :)
hmm... hadde hørt disse før... men fremdeles artige :lol:
Her er en som jeg tar fra minnet og visstnok og en sann historie:
The Brittish Ambassador to Egypt had just hired a new gardener to
the Ambassadors villa and marwelled over the great rose bushes the
gardener produced, but one day, as he was strolling the gread garden in
preparition for a big banquett for special royal brittish guests, he smelled a
strange smell and went to investigate and then noticed that the
rose bushes were fertilized with manour, he couldn't have any of this so he
called in the new gardener to a meeting this. The conversation went something like this:
"I will not have you fetilizing the flowers with animal droppings!" Gardener: but this is good shit Mr. Ambassador. Ambassador: It is out of the question! I am having a banquett and smell is intollerable! In witch the gardener replied: But mr. ambassador this is really good shit, it is the ambassadors own shit!
:lol:
Herlig.
Det er faktisk litt ok å få de beste samla på denne måten. Driver og rydder i mailen min, og ler like mye hver gang. Det er et par jeg ikke har funnet enda.
En norsk en for Caz' skyld:
Et kjærestepar er ute på byen. Når det er hennes tur til å
spandere drinker, forteller hun kjæresten at hun har hørt om en ny drink
som visstnok skal være deilig. Denne mener hun at han bør prøve.
Hun kommer tilbake fra baren med en pils til seg selv og to
glass til han. I det ene glasset er det Bailey's, i det andre er det
limejuice.
Drinken kommer med følgende instruksjon: Du tar en slurk Bailey's og lar
den ligge i munnen en stund før du skyller ned med limejuice. Han ser litt
mistenksom ut en stund, men hun er veldig overbevisende så han er villig
til å prøve. Han tar en slurk Bailey's, den er deilig og varm i munnen. Så
tar han limejuicen. Da skjer følgende:
Etter 0,1 sekund: Kremen i Bailey'sen begynner å skille seg
Etter 0,3 sekund: Ansiktet hans blir like grønnt som limejuicen. Etter
0,6 sekund: Han tar seg sammen og svelger gørret.
Etter 1,5 sekund: Hun hvisker forsiktig i øret hans:
"De kaller den Blowjob revenge"
To nonner er ute og går en ettermiddag. Den ene kalles Søster Matematikk
på grunn av hennes skarpe matematiske sans, og den andre kalles for Søster Logikk, fordi hun er så logisk.
Det begynner å bli mørkt, og de er fortsatt langt borte fra klosteret.
SM: Har du lagt merke til den mannen bak oss, han følger etter oss? Gud vite hva han vil.
SL: Det er da logisk - han vil voldta oss.
SM: Å nei - med denne avstanden kommer han til å ta oss igjen innen et kvarter. Hva skal vi gjøre?
SL: Det eneste logiske vi kan gjøre - vi går fortere.
SM: Det virker ikke.
SL: Selvfølgelig virker det ikke! Han gjør jo de eneste logiske - han går også fortere!
SM: Så hva gjør vi nå? Med denne avstanden vil han ta oss igjen i løpet av ti minutter.
SL: Det eneste logiske vi kan gjøre er å skille lag. Du går den veien, og jeg går den veien. Han kan ikke følge etter begge to av oss.
Mannen valgte å forfølge Søster Logikk, mens Søster Matematikk når frem til klosteret i god behold. Hun er veldig bekymret for den andre nonnen, som omsider dukker opp.
SM: Søster Logikk - gudskjelov! Fortell meg - hva skjedde!
SL: Det skjedde det eneste logiske: mannen kunne jo ikke følge etter oss begge to, så han valgte meg.
SM: Ja ja, det vet jeg jo godt (litt misunnelig). Men hva hendte deretter?
SL: Det eneste logiske: jeg begynte å løpe, så fort jeg kunne, og mannen begynte å løpe så fort han kunne.
SM: Og så, hva hendte så?
SL: Det eneste logiske: han tok meg igjen!
SM: Å nei! Hva gjorde du da?
SL: Det eneste logiske: jeg løftet opp kjolen min!
SM: Å nei Søster! - hva gjorde mannen?
SL: Det eneste logiske: han trakk ned buksene sine.
SM: Å nei! Hva hendte så?
SL: Ja det er jo helt logisk! En nonne med kjolen løftet opp kan jo løpe fortere enn en mann med buksene trukket nedover knærne...
Og til de av dere som trodde denne historien skulle bli frekk:
Be straks 4 FaderVår og gå så tilbake til husarbeidet!
Hva er en god date for en kvinne?
Tre kvinner deler leilighet. En kveld skal de alle på date, og alle
kommer hjem omtrent samtidig.
Den første sier:
- Du vet at det har vært en god date når du kommer hjem og er bustete
på håret.
Den andre sier:
- Du vet at det har vært en god date når du kommer hjem med sminken
gnidd utover.
Den tredje sier ingenting, men tar hånden opp under skjørtet, trekker
av seg underbuksen og klasker den mot veggen. Den sitter fast.
- Det kaller jeg en god date, sier hun.
Måten du tenker på
Lille Ole hadde aldri konsentrert seg så mye på skolen. En dag satt
han å så ut vinduet å drømte og læreren merket det.
- Ole, sa læreren, la oss si at det sitter tre duer på gjerdet der
ute.
Hvis du skyter en av dem, hvor mange har du igjen da?
- Hvis jeg skyter en av dem så vil de to andre bli så redd at de flyr
vekk så da er det ingen duer igjen.
- Nei, sa læreren, hvis du skyter en så har du to igjen. Men jeg liker
måten du tenker på.
Lille Ole svarte raskt:
- Da har jeg et spørsmål til deg lærer. La oss si at tre kvinner går
nedover gaten med hver sin is.
Den ene biter lett i kjeksen, den andre slikker på den mens den tredje
suger på den.Hvem av dem er gift?
Læreren bli litt paff av Oles spørsmål og svarer:
- Jeg regner med at det er hun som suger på den som er gift.
- Nei lærer, det er den av dem med giftering på fingeren, men jeg
liker måten du tenker på!
Ektemannen satt hjemme og så på fotball, da kona avbrøt ham: "Kjære, kunne
du fiksa lyset i gangen? Det har vært rart i ukesvis nå."
Han ser på henne og svarer sint: "Fikse lyset nå? Ser det ut som om jeg har
et skilt i panna som det står Bærum Energi Verk på??"
"Greit." svarer kona "Men kunne du da fikse døra til kjøleskapet? Den går
ikke ordentlig igjen".
"Fikse døra til kjøleskapet??" fnyser mannen "ser det ut som om jeg har et
skilt i panna som det står Elektrolux på???"
"Ok, ok...." svarer kona "Kan du i det minste ordne det ene trappetrinnet
før noen brekker beinet på veg inn i huset???"
"Absolutt ikke!!! Jeg er ikke en fordømt snekker, og det står ikke skrevet
Bygg-Makker på panna mi!!! Jeg har fått nok av deg!! Jeg drar på
pub'en!!!"
Så han drar på pub'en og drikker øl i et par timer. Han får etterhevert
litt dårlig samvittighet for måten han behandlet kona på, og bestemmmer seg
for å dra hjem og hjelpe henne allikevel. På veg mot huset ser han at
trappetrinnet allerede er fikset. Han går inn i gangen og legger merke til
at lyset virker fint. Han går inn på kjøkkenet, og ser at kjøleskapsdøra
også er reparert. "Kjære, hvordan ble alt satt i stand her?" spør han kona.
Og hun svarer: "Vel, etter at du dro, satte jeg meg på utsiden av huset og
gråt. Så kom det en pen, ung mann og spurte hva det var med meg. Da jeg
hadde fortalt ham problemet mitt, svarte han at han kunne fikse alt sammen
hvis jeg enten bakte en kake til ham, eller jeg hadde sex med ham."
"Åh," svarer mannen "Hva slags kake bakte du da til ham?"
hvoretter hun svarer "Hallooooooooooo.........ser du et skilt i panna mi som
det står Ingrid Espelid på???"
Four Irish Catholic ladies were having coffee and playing bridge. The first
woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room,
everyone calls him 'Father.' " The second woman chirps, "My son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'." The third crone
said "My son is a cardinal.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'." The fourth woman
sipped her coffee in silence, the first three women give her a subtle
"Well...?" She replied, "My son is a handsome, 18 year old, 6' 2," body
builder, athlete, intellectual, entertainer, college junior and when he walks
into a room, people say, 'Oh, my God...'."
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some
astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo
elder
and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old
man,
who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which his son translated. "What
are
the guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were
practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got really excited
and
asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing
a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to
translate. He
refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where
the
rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the
elder's
message to the moon. Finally, NASA called in an official government
translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these
guys; they've come to steal your land."
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough
to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.
In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer
Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the
lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer
the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I
was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he
is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer
and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favoritE mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop
sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I
was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear
ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just
by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the
Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are
you feeling?"
An unnamed bus driver was transporting 20 mental patients from Harare to
a
mental hospital in Bulawayo, Zimbabwe, when he stopped for a few drinks
at
an illegal roadside bar. Returning to the bus, he found that the mental
patients had escaped; so he went to the nearest bus stop and offered free
rides to 20 people. These he delivered to the mental hospital and
informed
the staff that they were easily excitable. It took medical personnel
three
days to uncover the foul play. The real patients were still at large,
according to this dubious yarn which appeared in the Financial Mail
(South
Africa), 4 April 1997
An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and
the
Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage
one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
Next day - the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage
and jumps to his death. The Mexican open his lunch, sees a burrito and
jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his
death also.
At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have
given
it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!"
The Microsoft salesmen and the Sun salesmen
Three Sun salesmen and three Microsoft salesmen are traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three Microsoft salesmen each buy tickets
and watch as the three Sun salesmen buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft
salesman.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a Sun salesman.
They all board the train. The Microsoft salesmen take their respective
seats, but all three Sun salesmen cram into a restroom and close the door
behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The
door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The
conductor takes it and moves on.
The Microsoft salesmen saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So,
after the conference, the Microsoft salesmen decide to copy the Sun salesmen
on the return trip to save some money (being clever with money, and all
that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return
trip. To their astonishment, the Sun salesmen don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Microsoft salesman. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Sun salesman.
When they board the train, the three Microsoft salesmen cram into a restroom,
and the three Sun salesmen cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the Sun salesmen leaves his restroom and walks
over to the restroom where the Microsoft salesmen are hiding. He knocks on
the door and says, "Ticket, please."
A true story:
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not
only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind",
statement, but followed it by several remarks, usual comment traffic between
him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the
lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good Luck Mr. Gorsky".
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival
Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the
Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned
Armstrong as to what the "Good Luck Mr Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong
just smiled.
Just a couple of years ago, (July 5th, 1995) in Tampa Bay FL) while
answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old
question to Armstrong. This time he responded. Mr. Gorsky has finally died
and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a
kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a
fly ball which landed in front of his neighbour's bedroom windows. His
neighbours were Mr. and Mrs Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball,
young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You
want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the
moon."
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to
each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his
garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked
into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's
garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the
egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg
belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because
the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally
the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following
actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back
up, then you
kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whoever
gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the
Scotsman found his
heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran
toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The
Englishman fell to the floor clutching his privates howling in agony for 30
minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to
kick you." The Scotsman said, "Keep the egg."
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple meet and are talking about all
sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you
guys do it?" asks the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the
Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the
male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a
teeny, weeny member--about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says the woman. "Why?" he asks,
"What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to
reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's
quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but
it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his
ears. With each pull his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims as they fell into bed and make
mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal
partners and go their
separate ways. As they walk along, the Earth male asks, "Well, was it any
good?"
"I hate to say it," she says, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about
you?" "It was OK," he replies, "but a little weird. The whole time she
was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks
his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong
place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty
soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and
starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've
got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is
a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things
are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come
up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a
mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan
laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right.
And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
The Price of Things
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town,
doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when
the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier,
but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly
paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in
the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?"
asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm
actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
TRUE STORY
The crew of a Russian trawler which sank in the Sea of Japan claimed that the
ship went down after being struck by a cow which fell out of the clear blue
sky and went straight through the hull.
No one believed their tale until a few weeks later, confirmation came from
Russia that the crew of one of its military cargo jets had stolen a cow they
found wandering on a Siberian airfield and loaded it aboard for the flight
home. While the airplane was cruising at 30,000 feet, the terrified
unrestrained beast ran amok, so the crew lowered the cargo ramp and the cow
jumped out.
Uncle Ted
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and
think of a story and then conclude with the moral of thatstory. The following
day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy
raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken
eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one
Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the
road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Suzy replies, "Don't
keep all your eggs in one basket". Next is little Lucy ... "well my dad owns
a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the
incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched" ... teacher asks for
the moral of the story ... Lucy replies "Don't count your eggs before
they're hatched". Last is little Billy ... "my uncle Ted fought in the
Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory" ..."he jumped out
before it crashed with only a bottle of whiskey, a machine-gun and amachete.
On the way down he drank the bottle of whiskey. Unfortunately, he landed
right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his
machine-gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed
20 more. Then the blade on his
machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands". The teacher
looked in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his
story ... and Billy replies, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been
drinking".
The Hamster
A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says,
"No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I
don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before,
will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says
the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts
the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of thebar, down the bar,
across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing
Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says,
"You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is
truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender
for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy
reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the
bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch.
A fine singer. A stranger from the other end
of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy
says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the
frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are
you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been
worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is
also a ventriloquist."
ZIPPERS:
A woman is trying to board a bus, but her skirt is too tight and she can't
step up. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper a bit and tries again.
Skirt's still too tight. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper
some more. She still can't get on and lowers the zipper a third time.
Suddenly, she feels two hands on her butt,
trying to push her up onto the bus. She spins around and says very
indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to do that!!" The
man responds, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly
three times either!"
My Uncle John was proud of his family of six children. He frequently
referred to his wife Aunt Irene as "Mother of Six", much to her annoyance.
Finally, she cured him of his habit. At the end of a party, he called out
loud enough for everyone to hear, "Ready to go, Mother of Six?" "Any time you
are," she replied, "Father of Four."
A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to
see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah,
cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has
decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too,
brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a
fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a
Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the father. "I turned to God for the answer"
replied the Rabbi. "And what did he say?" pressed the father. "God
said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "
En gruppe jegere fra New Jersey var ute i skogen da en av dem plutselig ramlet i bakken. Han så ikke ut til å puste og øynene hans rullet bakover i hodet. Den andre jegeren fisker fram mobilen og ringer nødtelefonen. Han stotrer frem til operatøren: ”Min venn er død! Hva skal jeg gjøre?” Operatøren svarer med rolig stemme: ”Ta det med ro. Jeg kan hjelpe deg. Først, la oss være sikker på at han virkelig er død”. Så blir det stille og et skudd høres. Jegeren kommer tilbake til telefonen, han sier: ”OK, hva nå?”.
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the
Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life.
Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon
the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer,
desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore
on a secluded island. Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed
pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope
and for hours on end, sat under same palm tree. One day, after
several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small row
boat appeared. "I'm from the other side of the island," she said.
"Were you on the cruise ship, too?" "Yes, I was, " he answered.
"But where did you get that rowboat?" "Well, I whittled the oars
from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm
branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man. "There was a
very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the
island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my
kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I
got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you
been living all this time? I don't see any shelter." To be honest,
I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said. "Would you like to
come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded
dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island,
and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp
topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone
walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite
bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, but I call it
home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a
drink?" "No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and
I'll throw up!" "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I
have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and
they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged
stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I
ended up on this island." Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor
upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." The man, no longer questioning
anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an
intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he
showered not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she
managed to get warm water into the bathroom and went back
downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved
banister as he walked. "You look great," said the woman. "I
think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." As she
did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time,
the woman, smeling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a
revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds. "Tell me,"
she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no
companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely...is
there anything that you really, really miss? Something that all men
and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have
right now!" "Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his
shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on
this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible." "Well,
it's not impossible, any more," the woman said. The man,
practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean you
actually figured out some way we can check our e-mail here?"
Man Falls Asleep At Church...
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
In the beginning.......... The Lord God Almighty turned to the Archangel
Gabriel, and said, "Gabby, today there shall be created a wonderful part of
the earth and I will call it Wales. I will make a country of breathtaking
blue lakes, rich green forests and dark, beautiful mountains, which I will,
from time to time, cover in snow and I will give the land rivers which
overflow with salmon and trout.
The land shall be lush and fertile and the people thereof shall raise cattle
and sheep, and grow their own food; the land shall be rich with precious
metals and stones that will be prized the world over. Beneath the land I
shall lay rich seams of coal for the people to mine, that their houses may be
warm; around the coast I will make white, sandy beaches with cliffs that will
be home to every kind of bird; there shall be many islands, each a paradise
for all who visit them. In the waters there shall be an abundance of fish,
that none may starve.
The people who live there shall be called the Welsh and will be the
friendliest of all the Earth.
"Excuse me, sire," interjected the Archangel Gabriel, "but don't you think
you're being a little too generous to these Welsh?"
"No not at all," replied the Lord, "Just you wait and see the neighbours I'm
giving them!"
"Gynecologists...."
An English and French gynecologists talking:
"Ah Reechard, we 'ave the best job in ze world,
no? All ze lovely women they come to us an
we solve their problems. Only last week I saw
a woman and relieved her problem - she 'ad
a clitoris like a melon."
"Pierre, don't exaggerate, no woman has a
clitoris like that!"
"Ah you English, think always of the size, never
of the taste."
en lille frekke en :lol:
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, the older nun
which normally assisted in this task was a little under the
weathers so she instructed Sister Magdalene, a young nun on how
to prepare the bath water and towels. Sister Magdalene was also
instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could
help it, do whatever she's told to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asks the sister how the bath had
gone. "Oh sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been
saved!"
"Saved? How did that come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to
wash him. And while I was washing him, he guided my hand down
between his legs where he said the lord keeps the key to
heaven."
"Did he now--" the old nun said.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And, Father John said that if the
key to heaven fit my lock, the portals of heaven would open to
me, and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And
then Father John guided his key to heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said that the
pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God
would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so
good being saved."
"That wicked old devil!" said the old nun, "He told me it was
Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it these past forty years!"
*lol*
Den historien er foresten eldgammel, mua av den eldre nonna, og at mannen skal bades, så er den så og si identisk med en Decameronen-historie.
Decameroen historie?? Fill me inn.
Decameronen er en samling historier av Boccacio. Rammen er en gruppe adelige unge mennesker som flykter fra en Italiens by (Venezia?) under svartedauen. De får dagene til å gå ved fortelle hverandre historier. Og siden døden er så nær, og samfunnet er i oppløsning så blir det mye sex og slikt -i historiene i alle fall. Det finnes også historier som er religiøse, og historier som hverken har sex eller religion som tema.
Uansett, det er et fantastisk verk! Anbefales på det varmeste. Jeg er usikker på når den ble skrevet, men den har vært en besteselger i flere hundre år.
Høres ut som noe verdt og lese om man kjeder seg ja. :knegg:
A Jew and a Christian were arguing about the ways of their religions.
The Jewish man said, "You people have been taking things from us for
thousands of years. The Ten Commandments, for instance."
The Christian replied, "Well, it's true that we took the Ten Commandments
from you, but you can't actually say that we've kept them!"
A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to
see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah,
cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has
decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too,
brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a
fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a
Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the father. "I turned to God for the answer"
replied the Rabbi. "And what did he say?" pressed the father. "God
said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "
A man is playing golf in Ireland,whack, the ball slices off the green, and
into the bushes. He goes looking into the bushes, and finds a little feller
all dressed in green, big buckle shoes, lying unconcsious with a big knot on
his forehead. "Sweet Jesus, I've hit a leprechaun!" He get's a cold rag, props
the little fella up. The leprechauns comes out of it, see's he's being held by
a mortal.."Ach, I'm all right, I'm foin, Right as rain, thank ye, I'll be
going now". The golfer says "Terribly sorry Are you all right, do you need a
doctor now, is there anything I can do?" "No don't worry yourself, I'm foin,
have a nice day. Quick as a flash, the leprechaun scoots into the hedges, and
is gone. The golfer,feeling bad for the fellow, waits a bit, and then
continues with his game. As he's leaving the Leprechaun thinks to himself-
"Now that was a daecent sort of fella, none of your
"show-me-your-pot-o-gold,give-me-three-wishes" stuff here, just honestly
consarned." "Now, he deserves 3 wishes!"
The leprechaun points at the Golfer- "May ye never need for Money, May ye have
a great golf game, and may ye have a fantastic sex life!" A year and a day
goes by, and the golfer is back out on the field, knocking the hell out of the
ball. The Leprechaun shows up, the Golfer "ach, I'm so sorry about the whack
on the noggin, are ye all right?" "I'm grand, don't worry....how about
yourself, are you doing all right?" The golfer smiles "aye, it's the most
amazing thing, since last year I'm golfing like a pro, 9 under par!" "And how
are you for money, smiled the Leprechaun?"
"Terrific, everytime I put my hand into my pants, I find the money for
anything I need!". The leprechaun winked, "And speaking of pant's, how's your
sex life?" The golfer blushes, looks around to see if anyone's listening, "Not
bad, 2 or 3 times a week!" The Leprechaun sputters- "Only two or 3 times a
week?" The golfer looks down wryly- "well, that's not bad for a Catholic
priest from a small parish!"
A young Luthern Minister found himself in a automobile collision, but
confident in his faith, he was ready to see the pearly gates. But found
himself in front of the Gates of Hell. Old Scratch was there to greet him.
"I, I, I don't understand, Why am I here? There's been a mistake!" "Tut,
tut, lad, that's why I'm here to greet you. Come let's take a little walk."
Old Scratch led the Luthern minister to a room and opened a door and sitting
there in the only chair... "Good heavens you are Martin Luther! What are you
doing here in Hell?" Martin looked at Old Scratch. "Yes go ahead Martin
take him around For me." Martin Luther led the young minister to another
small room and opened the door and there at..."Good heavens, Reverend Luther
that's the Apostle Paul sitting there, I don't understand?" The Apostle
Paul looked up. "Another one Martin?" "'Fraid so Paul, will you tell him?"
"Ok, well young fellow, you can only enter the kingdom of heaven through
works, I was wrong teaching 'Faith not Works'. Sorry about that."
The Hodja was both a judge and a priest, as was the custom in Turkey. He
loved to give advice and to be the confidante, but he hated public
speaking--and that was expected from him on Fridays when all met for
worship at the mosque.
On Friday when the imam would call the holy to prayer from the towers of
the minaret, the Hodja would slowly sip his coffee, straining the grounds
between his teeth. He was always the last one to ascend the stairs of the
massive building, perform his ablutions and pass through the entryway. The
floor was always full of shoes and he could hear the murmurs and gigles of
the women in their own area behind a screen. He would weave his way among
the worshippers, across the carpets, under the dome of blue and gold to the
pulpit. There he would read from the Koran as the faithful listened.
Then came the hard part. He was expected to offer some great words of
wisdom and the faithful were eager to hear him. One Friday, the hodja had
smoothly gotten this far, but stopped short when he realized how many had
gathered and were looking at HIM! His mind went blank, but only for a
moment. He said to the faithful gathered there, "Do you know what I'm going
to say?" Many nodded yes. "Good. There is no sense then in wasting my
words!" and the Hodja walked out of the mosque, leaving all the people
stunned.
The next Friday, the hodja again made it through the readings, but when it
came time to offer words of wisdom, he recalled how effectively he had
avoided it the week before. "Do you know what I am going to say?" Most of
the people, remembering the previous week, shook their heads no. "Well, I
am not going to waste my words on fools!" and again the Hodja left the
mosque. The people were stunned.
Word spread throughout the area of the Hodja's behavior. On the third
Friday the mosque was more crowded than ever. When the hodja finished the
readings and looked out in the crowd, his mind went blank, but at least he
knew what to do. "Do you know what I am going to say?" Half of the crowd
nodded yeas, while the other half shook their heads no. "Well then let
those of you who know tell those of you who don't. Ther is no sense in
wasting my words." And for the third time the Hodja walked out of the
mosque, having successfully avoided his least favorite task.
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious
one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with
his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the
atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and
his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was
strenuous and his wages were low, his teenaged kids wouldn't give him the
time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes
towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice
for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who
doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with
every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
And a great voice was heard from above: "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T
BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
In Ireland, the young assistant priests do not live in the main
rectory. That
is reserved for the priest and his housekeeper. One day Father Kevin
invited
his new young assistant priest to have dinner at the rectory. While
being
served, the young priest noticed how shapely and lovely the
housekeeper was
and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the
priest
and the housekeeper. After the meal was over, Father Kevin assured
the young
priest that everything was purely professional...that she was the
housekeeper
and cook and that was that.
About a week later the housekeeper came to the priest and said,
"Father, ever
since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find
the
beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"
Father
Kevin said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat
down and
wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and
I'm not
saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
it has
been missing since you were here for dinner."
The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows:
"Dear
Father Kevin, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper
and I'm
not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know
for
sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy
ladle."
...RING))))....RING))))....RING))))....,
**Pick Up** "Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
Brief Pause
"Uh, okay then, .this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool
and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool??...Is this 555-7039??
En ettermiddag, mens fruen i huset vasket gulvet ute i gangen hørte hun en
ukjent, men tydelig summelyd fra datteren sitt soverom.
Hun åpnet døren og så til sin store overraskelse datteren naken på sengen
med en vibrator.
"Hva er det du gjør?", utbrøt moren forskrekket.
Datteren beholdt fatningen og svarte: "Mor, jeg er 38 år, fremdeles boende
hjemme hos mine foreldre. Dette er det nærmeste jeg noensinne vil komme en ektemann".
Senere samme uke var faren på kjøkkenet da han plutselig hørte en sterk
summelyd fra kjelleren.
Han gikk ned i peisestuen og fant til sin forferdelse datteren Liggende
naken på sofaen med vibratoren i hånden. "Hva er det du gjør", utbrøt han.
Datteren svarte som forrige gang: "Jeg er 38 år og bor fremdeles med mine
foreldre. Dette er det nærmeste jeg vil komme en ektemann".
Et par dager senere hørte moren igjen den summende lyden.
Denne gang fra stuen. Tenkte at det fikk være grenser for hvordan datteren
skulle utfolde seg.
Men når hun kommer inn i stuen ser hun til sin overraskelse vibratoren
liggende å summe på en stol, ved siden av ektemannen, som sitter helt rolig og ser
konsentrert på cupfinalen på TV. "Hva i all verden er det du gjør?!", spurte hun
fortvilet.
"Ser fotballkampen sammen med min svigersønn."
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day,
he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The
speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of
the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba
gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since
you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and
pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is
that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve,
pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of
her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've
had some real fun?"
And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got a computer in
there and I can check my email!"
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the
bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who
invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat. I want you each to keep your eye on this antique
watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."The crowd became
mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its
polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it
slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a
hundred pieces.
"Shit " said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
--
Det her er en historie som jeg har hørt af en af mine mandlige venner (Knud?) som....
- havde været heldig at få lejlighed til at deltage i en konference, som blev afholdt på et velrenommeret hotel. Som bl. a. havde pool og sauna. Det skulle
selvfølgelig benyttes. Så min gode bekendt kommer ind i saunaens hede, hvor der sidder tre tavse, svedende mænd. Der ligger en mobiltelefon, som giver sig til at ringe. En af mændene tager den, og det er så lydt i saunaen, så alle de andre tydeligt hører en kvindestemme:
"Skat, veed du hvad, jeg har lige opdaget, at der er udsalg nede i Utzon Pels. Og der er simpelthen halv pris på den sælskindsfrakke, vi snakkede om.
Synes du ikke jeg skulle tage og gå ned og købe den med det samme?
Manden trak måske lidt på det, men "Joo, det må du vel hellere."
"Og vil du så tænke dig - den Mercedes vi havde set på, og som de ikke havde i sølvfarvet, den har de nu fået hjem. Jeg kan godt ordne det på vejen tilbage. Skulle jeg ikke tage og gøre det?"
Manden: "Det kan du vel lige så godt".
"Og så var der lige en lille ting mere. Du ved det yndige sommerhus på Gammel Skagen, som vi har haft kig på i flere år. Jeg er lige blevet ringet op af mægleren, og vi kan få det til en rimelig pris, hvis vi slår til lidt hurtigt. Det må vi hellere gøre, ikke?"
"Æhm, det lyder som en god idé."
"Jammen så siger vi det" sagde damen og var væk.
Manden i saunaen sad og kiggede lidt på mobilen. Så sagde han "Gu´ ved, hvis den mobil er?"
John Wayne
En indier er på vei inn i en liten daglivare foretning i en forstad til London. På sterk indisk aksent starter han følgende samtale:
-Hello. I want some toilet paper
-Yes sir, what do you want? We have som nice, soft paper of different trademarks, and we have this ceap one without no brand name.
-I want the ceap one withouth no name on it
-Here you are.
Det betales, noen høflighetsfraser avslutter handleen, og indieren forsvinner.
Et par dager senere kommer indieren på nytt inn i butikken.
-Hello. Remember me? I was the one buying the cheap tiolet paper withouth no name on it?
-Yes?
-Well, I got a name for it! John Wayne!
-John Wayne?
-Yes! It is ruff! It is tuff! And it takes no shit from an indian!
;)
Jag har aldrig riktigt kommit underfund med varför mannens och kvinnans
sexualdrift skiljer sig så mycket. Jag har aldrig heller förstått det
där med Venus och Mars. Jag har aldrig kommit underfund med varför männen
tänker med huvudet och kvinnor med sina hjärtan.
Till exempel. En kväll förra veckan gick min flickvän och jag till
sängs.
Passionen börjar glöda i sovrummet, när hon till sist säger, "jag
känner inte för det, jag vill att du bara ska hålla om mig". Jag sade "VA??!!
vad var det där?!".
Så säger hon dom orden alla pojkvänner fasar att höra....
"Du är inte i kontakt med mina emotionella behov som kvinna tillräcklig
för att jag ska kunna tillfredsställa dina fysiska behov som man".
Hon besvarade min frågande blick med att säga, "Kan du inte bara älska
mig för den jag är och inte för vad jag gör för dig i sovrummet?". När jag
förstod att inget skulle hända den natten så somnade jag.
Nästa dag så tog jag ledigt från jobbet för att vara med henne. Vi gick
ut och åt en fin lunch och gick och shoppade i ett stort, stort onämnt
shoppingcenter. Jag gick med henne i affärerna när hon provade flera
olika, verkligt dyra, klädesplagg.
Hon kunde inte bestämma sig för vilken hon skulle ta så jag sade åt
henne att vi tar alla. Hon ville ha skor som komplement till hennes nya
kläder. Så jag sa att vi får köpa ett par till varje ensemble. Vi gick sedan till
juvelavdelningen där hon valde ut ett par diamantörhängen . Tillåt mig
säga..... Hon var så upphetsad. Hon måste ha trott att jag
var ett steg från mentalsjukhuset. Jag började tro att hon testade mig
när hon frågade om hon kunde få ett tennisarmband, när hon inte ens kan
spela tennis.
Jag tror att hon trodde jag var knäpp när jag sa, "Det går bra
älskling".
Hon var nästan nära sexuell tillfredställelse av allt shoppande. Med
ett jättestort leende sade hon till sist, "Jag tror att det är allt
älskling, vi går och betalar". Jag kunde knappt hålla mig när jag till sist sade,
"Nej älskling, Jag känner inte för det".
Hennes ansikte blev helt vitt och hennes haka föll till marken med ett
förvånat "VA?". Jag sade sedan: "älskling! Jag vill bara att du håller
sakerna en stund. Du har inte kontakt med mina finansiella behov som
man tillräckligt för att jag ska kunna tillfredställa dig som kvinna".
Sedan när hon såg ut som om hon skulle döda mig, fortsatte jag, "varför
kan du inte älska mig som den jag är istället för dom saker jag köper åt
dig?".
Tydligen kommer jag inte att ha sex ikväll heller.....
Under krigen var Pekka og Toivonnen på permisjon i London og tilbrakte en kveld/natt med utstrakt festing før de krøp tilbake til hotellet.
Dette var midt under Blitz-krieg'en og etter at Pekka og Toivvo hadde lagt seg døddrukne i hver sin krok bombet tyskerne London. Toivonnen våkner først dagen etterpå og går bort til vinduet og trekker fra gardinene.
Han ser ut over den nedbombete bydelen hvor hotellet omtrent er det eneste som står, klør seg på brystet og sier til Pekka:
- Pekka, Pekka! Denne festen hinner vi inte at betala...
En engelskmann, en ire og en skotte gikk på strippeklubb sammen. De stimlet sammen helt foran ved scenen for å se stripperen yte sitt beste.
Hun avsluttet med å stille seg rett foran engelskmannen og vrikke innbydende med stumpen. Han fisket frem en tipundseddel, slikket på den og klapset den fast på den venstre skinken hennes.
Hun gjentok manøveren foran iren, som også fisket frem en tier, slikket på den og klapset den fast på den høyre skinken hennes.
Til slutt sto hun foran skotten og vrikket som besatt med rumpa. Han dro frem lommeboka, trakk ut kredittkortet, trakk det gjennom sprekken og snappet til seg de to sedlene som vekslepenger...........
Et ungt par lå å solet seg på nakenstranden da en veps på forunderlig vis klarte å ta seg inn i den unge kvinnens vagina. Mannen dekket henne til med et teppe, dro på seg shortsen og bar henne opp til bilen for å dra på legevakten.
Etter en rask undersøkelse forklarte legen at vepsen hadde kommet for langt inn til at man kunne nå den med pinsett. Han foreslo at ektemannen skulle forsøke å lokke ut vepsen ved å smøre honning på penis, og så trekke seg ut med det samme han følte kontakt med insektet. Mannen sa seg villig til å forsøke, men var så nervøs at han ikke fikk det til. ''Hvis ingen av dere har noe i mot det kunne jeg tenke meg å prøve'', sa legen. Under omstendighetene gikk paret med på det. Legen fikk av seg fillene, smurte på honning og ga seg i kast med oppgaven. Ektemannen så på med stigende bekymring da legen istedenfor å trekke seg ut, fortsatte i velkjent tempo.
''Hei, hva i helvete er det som skjer''? ropte mannen.
''Forandring i planen,'' stønnet legen. '' Jeg har bestemt meg for å drukne den lille jævelen''!
De tre tjuaguttene Piddien, Goggen og Laien sitter på en trapp ute i Sandviken et sted og preiker, som bergensere sier. Så dreier praten seg om mødrene, og hvem sin mor som har den største munnen.
- Min mor e så stor i munnen sin at hon kan stappe i seg den største tomat i itt jafs, sier Piddien.
- Ja, men min mor e endå større i kjæften enn din, svarer Goggen, - for min mor kan stappe i seg en appelsin i itt eneste jafs.
- Å gå mann!!! Sier Laien. - Det som dokker sier e no ingenting imot min mor, for hon e stor i kjæften hon! Vet dokker ka? I går kveld når eg hadde lagt meg, så hørte eg fra min mor og min far sitt soverom at min mor sa te min far:
- Du Emil, sløkk nattbordlampen så skal eg ta'an i kjæften!
Gunnar skulle på karneval, og startet planleggingen i god tid. ''Hva skal jeg finne på i år?'' tenkte han. ''Jeg må være litt ekstra kreativ.'' Til slutt ble han enig med seg selv om å gå utkledd som Adam i Paradiset. Følgelig skrev han et brev til Kostymefirmaet AS og ba om å bli tilsendt et fikenblad.
En liten uke senere kom fikenbladet i posten. Gunnar prøvde det på, men kom til at det kanskje ikke dekket ordentlig. Dermed sendte han det i retur med et lite brev: ''Kjære Kostymefirmaet AS. Fikenbladet dere sendte meg, dekker dessverre ikke mitt behov. Vennligst send et større.''
En knapp uke seinere kom en ny pakke med et større fikenblad. Gunnar prøvde det på, men dette var også for lite. Han sendte det tilbake med en ny lapp: ''Kjære Kostymefirmaet AS. Heller ikke dette fikenbladet dekker mitt behov. Vennligst send et større.''
Så noen dager senere kom en ny pakke i posten. Gunnar så at heller ikke dette fikenbladet var stort nok, så han sendte nok en gang en pakke i retur med et brev: ''Kjære Kostymefirmaet AS. Jeg takker så mye for deres velvilje, men dessverre så dekker heller ikke dette fikenbladet mitt behov. Vennligst send et større. PS: Det HASTER!''
To dager senere leverte et bud en ilpakke på døra til Gunnar. I pakken fant han et ENORMT fikenblad og et håndskrevet brev: ''Kjære Gunnar. Dette er det største fikenbladet vi har. Hvis heller ikke dette fikenbladet dekker deres behov, ber vi dem ta deres behov i hånden, stikke det i øret og gå utkledd som bensinpumpe.''
Lært deg "kopier" og "lim inn" pipet ?
:snill:
Ja!
Jeg er så glad for denne tråden. I flere år nå, så har jeg limt inn vitser jeg gjerne skulle ha husket her. Og med jevne mellomrom så titter jeg etter, og finner ut at jeg har glemt noen av de jeg liker best. Det er påbudt før fester og slikt, i tilfelle det blir vitsestafett der.
En prest har tilbudt en nonne lift. Da hun setter seg inn, krysser hun bena så hun kommer til at vise noe av bena.
Presten blir så overrasket, at han holder på å kjøre galt. Etter å ha fått kontroll over bilen igjen, legger han sin hånd på hennes ben.
Nonnen: "Fader, husk salme 129"
Presten fjerner sin hånd, men da han skifter gear, legger han den igjen på hennes ben.
Igjen sier nonnen: "Fader, husk salme 129"
Presten: "Unnskyld Søster, men jeg er svak"
De kommer til klosteret, og nonnen stiger ut av bilen.
Da presten ankommer kirken, skynder han seg inn og slår opp på salme 129.
Der står: "Gå fremad og søk høyere oppe - og du vil oppleve himlen"
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